I go through patches, where I just feel a terrible friend. Perhaps even person, but that’s on my low days.
Ever since finishing secondary school four years ago, I’ve become worse and worse with keeping up, let alone in touch with people.
I’ve never known why. Only putting it down to becoming more of a loner, or just socially awkward.
I’d prepare myself for phone calls, I couldn’t physically keep up with texting people. Small talk is the worst thing to me, so I don’t bother doing it.
When I do speak, I feel like I’m talking awkwardly, or overly expressive, making me look strange and weird. I stay quiet instead, fearing my mind will scream “they just think you’re weird now,” “why are you bothering? They don’t like you really.”
Keeping to myself became easier. I unintentionally distanced myself from the closest friends. I looked around one day, realising there was only one person I spoke to regularly: my partner.
Becoming a loner seemed to work. I was happy, no longer feeling awkward. Unknowingly losing my voice, and the confidence to speak up. Being a loner until I became lonely.
Loneliness made its impact. I wanted to talk to people, to friends I saw at weekly clubs. But I no longer knew how to talk within a crowd, or how to start or even hold a conversation. I felt like I was just there, not wanted even though deep down I knew I was.
An awkward sentence feels too much said. I feel embarrassed when I want to thank someone for making such a divine meal. I can’t just message someone asking how they are when I haven’t seen or spoken to them in months.
The longer I go, the harder it is to talk, the sooner it’s been, the less I know what to say.
I lost my friends and it was my own damn fault, I can’t seem to make new ones, and genuinely keep in touch with them, and it’s all my fault. The vicious cycle I seem unable to break. Speaking to my own family seems like a challenge on its own, sitting and listening is easier, but if no ones speaking? I can’t give input.
I am a terrible friend, because what is a friend who struggles to even try?
Family who may see this, if this is published, please don’t ask me about it. Because the awkwardness will take over, and I’ll only be able to provide mumbles as answers.
my midnight rambles
Until next time,
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